sendaresumeaphobia... it's real, it's devastating, it's soulcrushing: May 2013

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

ATTENTION FUTURE EMPLOYERS!

I DON"T "DO" RESUMES

If you got one by accident CHERISH it,

its a collector's item, a dinosaur. Like a snowflake, each resume I send is a snapshot of what I think an employer wants to hear at this point of my journey.

I know that "Soul Crushing" is slightly overstating things

My soul will be fine with or without your stupid job.
The phrase soul crushing is there just there for the search engines to catch!

I am SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZED
its the latest craze,
can show you the test I took on it....

a test on a freelance site that shows future word needing employers a part of my skillset
so they hire me...

this skill being "beat a multiple choice test"

I am great at that for the simple reason that most test writers are lazy. The answer is always the longest one. They aren't taking up valuable space with a dummy answer. They just want to get paid.

Just have some Faith in me

I can wash your dish....

or whatever repetitive demeaning task it is

the task that you THINK you need to see my resume for...

heres all you need to know

they told me i was a genius in high school
the guidance counselor panicked
but thats a different story

have some faith

Faith in humanity, what a concept.

Understanding how the world works is the answer.

Understanding that whomever is writing the multiple choice test is just trying to get paid already, the fake answers are the short ones, the correct answer is always the longest one, why would they spend all those extra letters writing a fake answer? human nature is to take the path of least resistance.

My own path of least resistance has led me here.

When I lose faith in my boss I leave.

When I encounter boss resistance to me I exacerbate the situation and try to solve it with sarcasm and then I start poisoning the well until I get fired. Fire me by email or phone because once fired I start stealing. Ask anyone about my last day at TGIF!

No amount of money keeps me in a place that no longer amuses me.

sendaresumeaphobia... it's real, it's devastating, it's soulcrushing

jobs i had and jobs i mist

Sunday, May 26, 2013