Monday, April 8, 2013

                                                                              SENDARESUMEAPHOBIA- It's origins

     In this modern era, when 400 peopole send resumes for coffee shop jobs, health care workers are reporting a sharp uptick in general hopelessness, ennui, and lack of mojo.  Intense and rigorous personal research reveals that each time I distill my  life into a currriculum vitae and send it out, I  am diminishing my worth in much the same way the Native Americans felt that the camera was stealing their soul. And as your soul's essence is slowly leeched from you, c.v after c.v., you turn that Bill Murray summer camp rant into you mantra an repeat to yourself, "It Just Doesn't Matter!"  If this rings a bell in your psyche, you may be infected with SENDARESUMEAPHOBIA.    

    How does one's mojo diminish by pressing "send" on thier email?  In many subtle and non so subtle ways, it turns out.  The act of asking for help, in this case, a job, is a very human thing.  It's natural, we care about one another, we are living in a society here.  But technology reduces these human interactioins into words of text on a screen, like mass entertainment, really.  The coffee shop owner tries to do their best, but who really knows who is answering the phone?  who are the references anyway?  voices on a phone?   How does a business owner KNOW that this isn't just the applicants mother girlfriend or the applicant is a skilled mimic/secret agent bent on infiltrating the insular coffee shop scene working as a mole to destroy SKINNY BLACK JEAN CULTURE from within?  You can't know, you can't be sure, it just comes down to trust.  (Trust us, we are from the government.)

     It is a given that people lie on their Resume's.  Their agents in these lies are the words they choose to represent what they did in past work situations.  you almost never see "Tetris" on a resume.  Everyone knows that resumes lie in the same way they know that the governemtn does.  It's the way the game is played in the marketplace.  Bullshit sells. Integrity is thrown out the window when you press send and shoot a resume off into the void.  Much as George Washington drew his line in the sand, here's where I draw mine.  I cannot send a resume.

     Mojo is further diminished in the applicant when he sends his missive out full of hope and gladness that the recent catastophic life situation and near poverty experience is soon to be at an end.  He won't have to cut his glorious ponytail for a job where he has to wear a tuxedo and refill rich people's water glasses on the banquet circut.  The white skin where the hair used to be a shining  beacon of failure for all to see.  Wearing such an obvious billboard to failure on his neck for all to see causes esteem issues.  Self esteem shot, he slides back to his former penguin antics and since all they serve is crappy food his diet regimen falls crashing to the ground.  No more healthy mind, no more healthy body, the food is sickening him and turning him into one of the unquestioning bovine masses.  Soon, he buys a tee vee and is discussing televison shows with other cud chewing pringle eaters.

            Another reason sending resumes diminishes you is legally.  If you apply to 5-10 jobs a day you could be convicted as a spammer.  How does that feel to winding  up in jail one day because you were trying to get a job so you could pay taxes and support the war on terror and maybe be a little more responsible for the drones raining daily on Afghan preschool nap times? 

        And Speaking of naps, future employers should know I require at least one every 4-6 hours for proper functioning.  I learned this from Bill Clinton who said he did this all the time in the oval office and woke up refreshed and ready to make decisions.  Unless you are saying your entry level job is more important that the Pjob of  President of the United States, as a matter of fact i'm getting my nap now.  Peace.